Naruto Wonders
by Ayamekashi
Summary: ...And Sasuke sincerely regrets ever asking. SasuNaru oneshot.


This takes place after Naruto returns from training with Jiraiya. We shall assume that Sasuke comes back with Naruto and Orochimaru is (woohoo!) dead.

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**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

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**Naruto Wonders…**

_What the hell is that dobe thinking about now?_ Sasuke sat up in irritation as he felt Naruto's presence.

He was watching Sasuke. Again. Head snapping towards the direction of his presence, Sasuke twitched as he caught sight of orange peeking out from behind the braches of a tree some six meters away. When was the idiot ever going to learn sane ninjas did _not_ wear bright, screaming 'look at me' orange for a reason? His relaxation time disrupted, he got up in one fluid motion and –

"Oi, dobe."

"ARGH!! Sasuke-teme! Don't sneak up on me like that! Are you trying to kill me!?"

Sasuke patiently waited for the red-faced blonde to stop his flustered tirade.

" – and I bet your ass doesn't even have a hole, you asshole –"

It never ceased to amaze Sasuke that Naruto could be so creative in inventing previously unheard-of foul words but be so incredibly stupid where it really counted.

" – right down to that stupid looking cockroach antenna for a fringe –"

Then again, he probably used his entire measly amount of functioning neurons for thinking up lame pranks and childish arguments.

" – sissy-looking stuck-up prick who has his nose up so high, it's a miracle his neck isn't broken -

However, he wasn't well known for patience and after a good ten minutes of being called everything under the sun except his own name, he curtly cut in. "If you want to fall off the tree that badly, all you had to do was ask."

" - sue you! And call the Tsunade-baba to – hey!"

"Hn. Fine. You don't have to ask. I'll just push you off now."

"ARGH! Stop that! I'll fall!!"

"Wasn't that what you were trying to do?" Not wanting Naruto to start a fresh never-ending spurt of name-calling, he casually slipped in a question. "Why have you been watching me?"

Naruto sputtered, the tips of his ears turning a most fetching shade of pink. Successfully led off track, he mumbled, "Who wants to watch a narcissistic bastard who spends twenty minutes preening in the mirror over his hair ever morning?"

Sasuke smirked. "Well, apparently you. How else would you have known that, idiot? Spill. I've felt your presence tailing me for the past two weeks now. I want to hear a reason, and it better be good."

Curiously enough, the blonde did not answer. Even stranger, he actually kept silent for two whole minutes. His peaceful sky-blue eyes were trained on Sasuke, and he seemed to be deep in contemplation. _This_ was what got Sasuke worried: Naruto loved to do dangerous things that could jeopardize his health and in this case, it was thinking.

"No can do!"

_Huh?_ "What?"

Naruto cheekily grinned at him. His sparkling eyes crinkled so much, it seemed like he was squinting. He repeated, "I'm not telling you! I've been wondering something about you… but I won't tell you what it is until I feel like it!

_But I want to know! _"Fine, keep it to yourself. Who wants to know anyway? Idiot."

Unfazed, the blonde didn't take the bait and merely waved him goodbye as he leaped away, escaping Sasuke's interrogation.

Sasuke stared after him, annoyed. How does Naruto do it? Somehow, he always managed to get on Sasuke's nerves. And yet, he couldn't deny he was just slightly intrigued with Naruto's mysterious behavior. _What's he up to now?_

XXX

Uchiha Sasuke prided himself for being Konoha's number one ice-cold bastard. The title was a heavy burden but nothing was too much for him to handle. As time went by, he fell into an easy rhythm. Glare, smirk, insult. Repeat for good measure. A few death threats didn't hurt either.

Nothing fazed him - of course not. After all, he was the Leaf's youngest prodigy; he had a ready answer to everything, and if he didn't, he would just choose to ignore the question and snort in disdain instead. A glacial glare worked just as well.

However, one mustn't forget that he was in the same team as the most unpredictable ninja. That left him open to several unexpected and therefore, in defendable attacks.

This was one of those times.

"Sasuke, have you ever had sex before?"

Sasuke's chopsticks clattered onto the counter at Ichiraku's and rolled away towards the edge of the table. He made no attempt to catch them as they dropped to the ground. He didn't choke on his ramen. It simply didn't look very elegant. All that happened was that his liquid ink-black eyes grew just a fraction rounder.

Of course, Naruto being Naruto – in short, acting like the most dense, inane, crude, blunt and completely rude person in only the whole Country of Fire – didn't give any sign he had just asked Sasuke a question that would make even the most stoic ice-bastard flustered.

That was probably why Sasuke decided he had been around Kakashi too much. Mentally making a note to incarcerate the Jounin in the least suspicious manner possible during their next mission, he picked up a clean pair of chopsticks. He plucked a few strands of noodles from his bowl of miso ramen, neatly placed them into his mouth and chewed.

That was a big mistake.

"Hey, teme! Don't ignore me just because you're still a virgin!" Naruto glared in irritation at Sasuke, waving his chopsticks around.

Once again, Sasuke managed not to choke on his noodles. Instead, he spewed out an entire mouthful of half-chewed noodles right into Naruto's face.

"What the hell?! Sasuke, you bastard! Just because you've never been laid, you don't have to take it out on me!"

The normally impassive boy took a hasty gulp of water, ignoring Naruto's indignant yelling.

" – no wonder nobody's brave enough to screw – mmph-!"

"Shut up, you moron!" Sasuke hissed as he took a look around. Thankfully, the place was rather deserted save for a lone customer who was giving them a weird look. "Ouch! Damn it! That's disgusting." Grimacing, he quickly removed his hand from Naruto's mouth and wiped it on his pants.

Naruto triumphantly smirked at him. "Take that!"

Under normal circumstances, Sasuke would have been more than happy to shoot Naruto down in a verbal spar but the situation at hand forced him to abandon that idea. Settling for a glacial glare, he scowled. "Was this what you've been wondering about?"

Naruto turned back to his ramen, apparently considering his extra large char siew ramen more important than Sasuke's virginity. "Uh-huh," he mumbled through a mouthful of noodles, "I've been thinking that since you're such an icy bastard, it must be terrifying for anyone to have sex with you. They'll probably be so scared, they'll be too petrified to even breath. Hey, I know," Naruto smiled happily before stuffing more ramen into his mouth, "It must be like having sex with a dead body!"

Sasuke stared back and forth from his ramen to a happily-gorging-on-ramen Naruto. _That is so crude…how does he even have the appetite to eat while talking about having sex with dead bodies…?"_

Naruto thoughtfully eyed Sasuke while still chewing. Swallowing, he said, "A dead body is kind of cold though I suppose it doesn't really matter coz you're so cold anyway…Doncha' wonder how it feels like, Sasuke?"

Sasuke would never ever admit it. He would carry this to his grave: The Great Uchiha Sasuke_ fled._

Naruto stared after him for a moment before peering into Sasuke's barely touched bowl of ramen. He tsked disapprovingly. "He didn't finish his food. Oh well, we shouldn't let it go to waste!" He pulled Sasuke's abandoned bowl closer, cheerily proclaiming, "Itadakimasu!"

XXX

Sasuke had some wondering of his own to do. He was wondering whom to kill. It was a few days later, and his injured male pride had almost completely recovered. Naruto hadn't brought that odious topic up again, something Sasuke was eternally grateful for.

He felt rather than saw Naruto arrive beside him. Choosing not to acknowledge his presence, Sasuke absentmindedly picked up a pebble and threw it into the stream of gushing water.

"Sasuke-teme, don't pollute the river!"

The 'teme' in question responded by rolling his eyes. Snorting, he retorted, "How is that supposed to be polluting the river? Unlike instant ramen cups, they're naturally found at the bottom of the river, you moron."

Said moron scowled, ocean-deep eyes darkening with displeasure. "Whatever."

Sasuke threw Naruto a careless glance. He didn't really care but… "What are you doing here?"

Naruto flopped down beside him, sighing as he scanned the sky, "I've been wondering about a lot of things lately…" he trailed off.

_Oh, he's actually being serious for once. Interesting. Didn't know he was capable of it._

Naruto continued, "I mean, is it just me or does the ramen seem to be getting thinner and thinner? I'm not saying I want it to be fat or anything, but the strands are so skinny! I can't even straighten one out anymore coz it'll just snap! And don't you think that the miso soup is getting saltier? I wonder if they changed the supplier of the seaweed? There seems to be more green specks in the soup lately and also –"

… _Okay, I take that back. Once an idiot, always an idiot._

Still, at least he wasn't talking about that anymore. Which brought Sasuke back to his train of thought before it was rudely disrupted by Naruto's destructive wavelength.

_Let's see…where was I?_ Oh yes, he was deciding whom to kill. Someone had to be blamed for putting weird ideas into Naruto's head. It didn't occur Sasuke that Naruto himself might have been the one who thought it up simply because Naruto was too naïve and dumb to.

The one with most information would be Sakura. And if Sakura was in it, so was Ino. But if he were to think about it, the two had gotten pretty close with Hinata lately, and Hinata blushed from just seeing Naruto's face. She'd probably die from shock if she ever saw a guy's naked body let alone engage in conversations about the things the …_male anatomy_ could participate in. So the girls were out.

" – and if that wasn't enough, she actually _threw_ the water reservoir at me! Sakura-chan is too strong…She almost killed me! Oh, and did I mention the time Kakashi-sensei –"

Naruto's voice was becoming like a background noise now. Sasuke semi-consciously decided it wasn't really a bad thing; his voice was actually pleasant to listen to - if he wasn't yelling and shrieking anyway. Now, back to his hit list…

It couldn't be Shikamaru because Ino would only skewer him alive. Ditto for Lee with respect to Sakura. It wasn't Gaara because he was too busy being the silent mysterious yet cool Kazekage. It definitely couldn't have been Shino because the only sex the guy was interested in was probably between his bugs.

Kiba was a likely suspect but Sasuke was certain it couldn't have been him either, reason being Sasuke decided to have a little…_talk _with Neji after he attempted to molest Naruto when he thought no one was watching. Of course, the blur Naruto hadn't noticed, but _Sasuke_ had. He was getting off track again. Oh yes, it couldn't have been Kiba because Kiba had been there when Sasuke almost burned all of Neji's long hair off for touching _his_ property.

" – And I accidentally sucked too hard. It came spurting out and almost chocked me…Man, that stuff is so thick and sticky. Luckily it was white though…"

Sasuke half-listened, "Yeah, lucky it was whi – WHAT?!"

Naruto gave him a startled look, nose wrinkling in confusion. "What's so shocking? Okay, so it was kinda stupid to have a milk-shake drinking competition but come on, I was really bored…"

Sasuke stared at him, befuddled. "A milkshake…?"

"Yeah, mine was vanilla. You're acting weird…are you okay?"

His dark-haired teammate was muttering under his breath, "A milkshake…it was a milkshake."

"Oi!"

Sasuke snapped out of his stupefied state to meet Naruto's glare. "What?"

Naruto repeated, "Are you okay?"

Sasuke managed not to stutter. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Naruto squinted suspiciously at him before nodding and continued his rambling. "Anyway, Kiba tried to cheat and pass some to Akamaru but since his was chocolate, Akamaru wouldn't drink it. And after the competition, Chouji finished the whole thing! Sakura-chan wouldn't join because –"

Sasuke tuned him out, more than slightly disturbed with his own imagination. _Well, duh,_ his mind sarcastically said, _what's white, thick and sticky?_ Sasuke told his inner voice to shut up, shuddering. He was beginning to doubt his own sanity. He was actually arguing with himself now. Must be Naruto's influence.

Right, back to the assassination plan. It was perfect, the only problem being the question of who to assassinate. Sasuke had narrowed the list down to Kakashi and Jiraiya. He just couldn't decide who should go to heaven – or hell - first. Both were mightily suspicious and equally perverted. Maybe he should do the eenie, minnie, mainie, moo thing…or maybe he should just kill both.

He contemplated on that idea before discarding it. It was a waste of chakra. His brows pleated in a frown. Who knew killing people was so hard? If he ever ran across his brother again, he would have to ask for tips on wiping people off from the face of earth before practicing that skill on Itachi.

Kakashi read perverted books, but the one who wrote them and dragged Naruto around to collect 'date' was the Toad hermit. Aha, Sasuke reached his decision. The lucky one to die would be –

" – and he wouldn't stop even when I begged him too! He just kept licking me and I almost screamed when he bit me…"

_Wouldn't stop…? Begged? Licked?! BIT?!!_ Sasuke wheels stopped turning. Slowly facing Naruto, his voice was dark, low and dangerous. "He _what_?"

Blissfully oblivious to Sasuke's bloodthirsty aura, Naruto went on babbling with a stupid smile on his face. "Yeah, he was kind of rough and it was painful but I'm sure he didn't mean to…" His eyes misted over. "After all, it was so long and hard…I felt almost sorry for him…I made him wait for so long…"

_What, what, WHAT?_! Sasuke almost stopped breathing. Naruto didn't seem like someone who had been violated. He seemed like someone who was… "Naruto, do…do you love him…?" Although it wasn't visible, he awaited the answer with bated breath.

His heart constricted painfully and he almost suffocated when Naruto blinked before nodding enthusiastically. "Of course!"

Sasuke carefully phrased his next question. "Even more…than me?"

Naruto seemed to consider that question for a mere millisecond. "Definitely!"

"I see…" was all Sasuke murmured in an abnormally soft voice. Inside though, was a completely different matter.

"Can I meet him?" Inside, his emotions were running high and wild.

"Sure!" Inside, his feelings were threatening to burst out and make themselves known.

_I'll rip his guts out and strangle him with his own intestines. _Inside, his inner voice was declaring war. Sasuke smirked darkly. Another person to his hit list, check. Oh yes, the last Uchiha was a very busy person indeed.

XXX

"This is he!"

Sasuke stared. He was speechless. 'He' was…beautiful. There were no other words to describe him. Warm chocolate eyes that was somehow gentle and protective at the same time. 'He' had fine silky golden hair and 'he'…

"Pochirou! I told you to stop licking me!"

…was also a dog.

A dog. Uchiha Sasuke's rival was a dog. This was it. There was only so much shock he could receive in a day.

"Hey – wait Sasuke! Where are you going?"

Sasuke wondered if Naruto was taking revenge on him for following Orochimaru. Well, he came back, didn't he?

"Oi!"

Still, a dog. A friggin dog. A DOG. A deeh – oh – gee.

Sasuke decided to go before he lost his last shred of dignity.

Naruto stared as Sasuke left, scratching his head. Pochirou barked and Naruto patted his head. "Don't worry! I'm not leaving for any mission. You missed so much when I left to get Sasuke back, didn't you? I'm sorry I made you wait for so long. It must have been so hard and lonely for you – ARGH! Don't bite my hand!"

XXX

Sasuke decided today was The Day.

Today was the day he would make Naruto his. He refused to go through another Pochirou incident. Naruto would scream and moan under _him_ and _only_ for him. Jiraiya was still going to have his head lopped off though. And maybe Kakashi too, if he had some spare chakra to burn off.

Searching for Naruto, he smirked when he caught a glimpse of blonde hair partially hidden underneath the branches of an ancient pine tree. Landing gracefully on his feet, he was cut off by Naruto before he could even open his mouth.

"Say, Sasuke, how will people call your name when you're having sex with them?"

_Oh no, not again!_ Sasuke mentally groaned. His 'other' inner voice spoke up, unbidden. _Why don't you find out for yourself? I bet you're a screamer…_

Once again, Sasuke brutally squished that voice down, though he couldn't help agreeing. He managed not to smirk though "…How would I know?"

Naruto pouted. "Come on, don't be so difficult! A person can't possible say 'Uchiha Sasuke' while you're screwing them…it's too long. 'Uchiha' or 'Sasuke' would still be too long…maybe they could say 'Uh-uh' or 'Chi-chi'. 'Ha-ha' sounds wrong though…"

_Why don't I try screwing you senseless now? I mean, we have this huge empty space and all…_Once again, Sasuke pointedly ignored the innuendo suggested by his 'other' inner voice. When did he gain this inner voice anyway? Maybe it was Orochimaru's fault? Another name to add to his ever-growing hit list. Yay. Oh wait, Orochimaru scalded his tongue drinking hot chicken soup and had chocked to death a few months ago. Damn.

" 'Uh-uh' sounds a bit wrong too…I think it sounds better if they were moaning 'Unh-unh' instead. 'Unh-unh'. Yeah, sound much better. What do you think, Sasuke? 'Unh-uuuuuunnnnhhhh!'"

Sasuke watched in growing horror as Naruto mock-simulated the moaning. _Stop!!! Why are you even making the hand motions! Oh God. Stop!!! _

"Uuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnhhhhhhh!!"

_Shit, shit, SHIT!!!!!!!!_ Sasuke's horror wasn't the only thing that was growing now. With much willpower, he closed his eyes, and ears as well. He fervently muttered a mantra, "Rape is a crime, rape is a crime, rape is a – "

"Hey Sasuke, are you feeling sick again?"

Sasuke cracked open an eye to meet Naruto's concerned blue ones. _Hell yeah, I'm sick! And you're the only one that can cure me! _Not even bothering to tell his 'other' inner voice to shut up anymore, Sasuke launched himself onto Naruto.

"Wha – !"

Sasuke ignored Naruto's confusion. Straddling him, Sasuke's eyes were dark with desire as he began trailing kisses upwards from Naruto's neck, enjoying as the shocked protests turned to a little mewl of pleasure. His hands ran through Naruto's silky soft locks as he possessively attacked Naruto's lips. It seemed like eternity, until all he could see was fireworks, and all he felt was delightful tingles of pleasure jolting through entire body. He distractedly wondered why he hadn't done this before.

_Hah. Why are you asking me? I TOLD you to get a move on it._

Sasuke ignored that smart-ass voice. He was beginning to suspect it wasn't even a part of him. He didn't spend much time pondering though; all he wanted to concentrate on was the warm cavern that was Naruto's mouth and the sweet scent of the body lying underneath him. The fireworks were dizzying stars now; they were swirling faster and faster, until all he could see was –

_Idiot. You're about to pass out from lack of oxygen._

Oh right. Oxygen. He needed it to breath. And he needed to breath to live. And he needed to live to – Great. Naruto really was making him stupid. He eyed the delicious compliant blonde and decided he didn't want to be a know-it-all anyway.

He was leaning in for another electrifying kiss when Naruto spoke. His blue eyes sparkled with laughter as he exclaimed, "Oh I know!"

Sasuke impatiently glared at him. What could be more important than kissing right now? He said in irritation, "Know what?"

Naruto grinned cutely up at him and Sasuke had to refrain from eating him alive. "I know what to call you during sex!"

That piqued Sasuke's interest, though it was kept hidden. Arching an eyebrow, he coolly said, "Oh really? Do tell."

Naruto gave him an innocent beam. "I'll call you 'Uke', short for Sasuke!"

Sasuke stared at him. No words that could possibly describe his emotions have been invented yet. Therefore, his emotions would _not_ be described. Instead, let's see what goes through his mind.

U………………………….k………………………………….e………………………

U…..k……e…………..U…..k…….e……………U…..k……e……………………..

U…k…e…….U…k…e…….U…..k…..e…….U….k…e…….U….k…e……U…k…e…

Uke.

Uke…!

Uke!

Uke!!!!

UKE!!!!

UKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UUUUKKEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Sasuke? Are you okay? 'Uke?"

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why yes, the dust blowing in the wind is the result of the complete (and irrecoverable) disintegration of Sasuke's alpha male pride. How did you guess?

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Yeap. Naruto has a dog in here. Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes. It'd be a great help if you would point them out to me so I can rectify. Hope you guys like! I went a little haywire with my new found obsession with Naruto since the new season started…I must say Sasuke looks delicious with that clothes of his…Although I hate that purple tie thing, I get to see his bare chest! …Did I really type that?! Crap, I'm turning into a total perve…its all Albel's sexy thighs fault… 

By the way, for those who have been reading Blood Bonds, I'm _really _sorry about the lack of update. (cries) Please forgive me…


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